Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

lost dog

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.