Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”

Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.