Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.