Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.