Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!

Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

i dont have time for this

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*