@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

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@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

@POTerritory

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

@patnspankme

Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.

@jonnysun

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

@NYorNothing

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

@torrami

An army of pandas descends on a fortress of evil trolls. The pandas are soft, cuddly, & deadly. It’s the most adorable massacre in history.

@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: