last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
You Might Also Like
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*