Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Pickled cat.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me too, bag. Me too….
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver