Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

What do you hear?

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.