Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying