Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.