Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”

Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little