Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

I’m holding off buying a robot vacuum, until my robot is filthy.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*