Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Okay me first