Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I disagree with my politics
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf