Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Yes my dude
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
cat vs inanimate object
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday