Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
(Musicians.)
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Breaking news:
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.