Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

vegan witches, happy halloween!

The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

My little toaster: *catches on fire*

Me: Coward.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*