Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.