Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
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GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.