Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.

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[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?


I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?


Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.


I am now running out of paper towels.


Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed


I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”


ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.


Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?


I’m sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.