Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

When you’re Kinky but poor

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car