Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years