Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Going to church you guys need anything

If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

I would move hell over six inches for you

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.