Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

thankfully, most bananas are boneless

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.