Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
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Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary