Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

One venti cheeseburger please.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars