Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

this is the greatest thing ever

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

ㅤ

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.