Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
these can’t be my only options
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded