Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…

Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …