Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.