@LizHackett

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

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@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@EricaWhoToYou

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@iwearpajamas

I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.

TakeJuan’sdough.

@BlindChow

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@Xoolun

I was pissed when I dropped my iPhone in the toilet.

Not as pissed as the girl I was trying to take pics of though.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.