Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Twitter is an abusement park.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?