Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Hero horse inspires millions
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.