Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
no one likes gloating
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Well well well…
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine