Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Body by Oreos
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
fly smarter, not harder
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal