@junejuly12

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”

@wumother

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

@MyNameIsArchaic

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

@huntigula

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

@pensnparchment

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

@T_Bonezzz_

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

@ItsDanSheehan

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

@SirEviscerate

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.