Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??