Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I came this close!!!!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home