Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

why isn’t he texting back

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Saw online –

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Is your wife single?

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies