Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.

Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?

12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.

Someone likes to live life dangerously.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.