Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out