Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)