*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks