Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.