Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Yoga Matt

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

me doing my best

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.