Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT