Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

4: I wanna watch Sing 2!

hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.

4: not today.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Me: can I buy you a drink?

Girl: no

Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me