Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i smell a pulitzer

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

How actors in movies eat their food

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.