Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.