Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?