Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

I drew y’all a little something.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

is this a warning or an offer?

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini