Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

What a year we’ve had this week.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”