*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
You Might Also Like
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.