*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point