*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
