Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Black Friday “markdowns” like