Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
A double negative is a big no-no.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.