Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
That was easy.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
😎 🍻
