Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

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