Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
You Might Also Like
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”