Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
😂🤣😂🤣
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
edward fingerhands
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
a lot to unpack here
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.