Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Ha.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
hi why am I like this
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Put a ring on it
