Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Just how popey was the pope today?
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Welcome to the stomach
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.