Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

Me: My eyes are up here

Picasso: I disagree

This is me

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

🤣🤣🤣

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.