Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
i want it utterly assaulted.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!