Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
When someone says you are so lazy
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?