Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Can confirm.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
