Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*names my little horse OneTrick*
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF