Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.