@lovemydogduck

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

- @lovemydogduck

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@Charles_HRH

Justin Bieber on the phone. Says he “won’t be coming back to the UK in a hurry”. Well played, Great Britain. Job done.

@marcia_bee

I was going to suggest Twitter to have a live Nativity scene but I think it’s going to be impossible.
A virgin and 3 wise men? On here?!

@MissHavisham

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

@mattZillaaaa

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

@dumbbeezie

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

@TheRolo

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

@Social_Mime

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

@juliussharpe

A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.

@ElKnuckelhombre

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.