Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2