Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Do not steal food from the science building!
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro