Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
How it started: How it’s going:
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.