Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
is it earth
