Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
You Might Also Like
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
asked my bf how work was today
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.