Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer