[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.