Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Meeeee too!
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.