Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…