Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

me: alexa

alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-

me: is it okay to microwave glass

alexa: for how long

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose