Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
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The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I think about this a lot
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”